I was thinking last night that one of the reasons I feel so lost and stressed out right now is that I feel like I have lost control. I am a bit (OK a whole lot) of a control freak. I had a plan for our future and now that plan is null and void as of right now. So much of me - my thoughts, my energies - revolve around our fertility issues now. It almost consumes me. Very unhealthy. SOOOOOO...I decided this morning to try and get a measure of control back in my life.
How am I going to try to achieve this, you ask? First by trying to tackle the problems that have evolved from PCOS. A friend sent me this link last night and it kind of kick started my decision - http://www.newsweek.com/id/73354. It is about how diet, exercise and weight control affect fertility. I think if I can start to feel better - my overall health, my self esteem - then I won't feel so overwhelmed. This involves a diet change and exercise, what we all know we need to do and have heard so often. The PCOS helped in my weight gain - probably 50 pounds over the last 1.5- 2 years- but I can't blame it solely on that. I know once the Metformin starts working, I may start dropping some of the weight because my body will be metabolizing what I eat better. But I can help that along. This article from Newsweek talks about how "good" carbs are beneficial for not only weight loss but helping out with my insulin resistance which in turn effects fertility. I am now on a mission to educate myself about what "good" carbs are and how to incorporate them into my diet. I also know that smaller portions are integral in weight loss but I also think that smaller portions and more frequent meals may help with my stomach rebellion against the Metformin. Last night I ate a much smaller meal than I normally do and I didn't have nearly the stomach problems I have been having with the Metformin. I don't know if it was related but it was a relief.
This morning I decided it was time to quit making excuses and get on a regular exercise regiment. I pulled out some DVDs I had bought once and never used on Pilates/Yoga and used them. Now I have never done Yoga so I know my form was horrible, but it got me sweating and my heart rate going. And it gave me a good laugh to see my 3 year old daughter, B, also trying to master downward facing dog. And the big plus, it made me feel good about myself..something I haven't felt in awhile. I am also hoping it will help with my insomnia. I am a bit sore right now but it is a good sore.
Overall, I felt pretty productive and like I was moving forward, not stagnant, today. I hope that I can keep it up and even get T in on it with me. If we do this together, we can encourage each other. I feel more empowered today than I have in a long time and I have such powerful motivation this time. Maybe we can find some good in all of this.
Showing posts with label trying to conceive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trying to conceive. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Test results so far
I have had so much blood work done I feel like a vampire's victim. For some reason my progesterone levels have dropped since September. They aren't getting high enough to trigger a period let alone ovulation. Last month I took progesterone (Provera)to trigger a period so I could get some blood work tests done. The RE (reproductive endocrinologist - fertility specialist)was checking for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). This is a condition where there is weight gain, acne, coarse/dark hair that develops where previously there wasn't an issue - there are other symptoms but these are the ones that I have. Basically, your hormones are all out of whack. And, surprise surprise, I have it. We found that my testosterone is high and I am insulin resistant. Hence, I have not been ovulating correctly for some time now. The kicker, the one that socked me right in the gut and has led to this blog, my eggs are aging prematurely and there is a question about whether I have any viable eggs left. I don't know the particulars on this because I was so upset when the nurse called that I didn't think to ask any real questions. I do know that I know have to take a Clomid Challenge test. They load me up on clomid (fertility drug to stimulate ovulation) and test my blood and do an ultrasound to see how and if my eggs react. Of course, I have to wait until my period starts before they can start the test but it has yet to make an appearance. I suspect I will be making further acquaintance with the Provera pills. I don't think I have ever wanted my periods to start as badly as I have since we started seeing the RE.
Now, my husband (T) has also been tested. We figured there really was no need because he already had a child from a previous marriage and then there was our daughter. But the RE wanted it so we did it. Another shock, T also has some fertility issues now - sperm morphology issues. His little guys are not formed correctly so they can't break through the egg to fertilize it. The fun never stops around here. His issue is caused by LOW testosterone. If only I had his blood and he had mine. The treatment, he also gets to take Clomid. The urologist is pretty confident that this can be corrected so we aren't too worried right now.
As to my PCOS, the treatment is an antidiabetic drug called Metformin. I am beginning to hate Metformin. Some of its side effects include upset stomach and nausea. Boy, does it ever cause those. I start out one 1 pill and work my way up to 3 a day. I am on 1 pill right now and it is making me so sick that I am dreading what it is going to be like as I up the levels. I am really hoping my body becomes accustomed to it because this sucks so much right now.
T and I knew from the get go that the probable treatment for our infertility was going to be fertility drugs and insemination ( IUI - intrauterine insemination). But now, after researching what my test results are showing, I am really afraid that it is going to be invitro ( IVF - invitro fertilization). IVF scares the hell out of me. The cost is prohibitive to begin with and I don't know if we can afford it. Our insurance only covers diagnostic care, not the infertility treatments. We had put money away for the IUI treatments ( there would be 3 of them as long as they weren't successful) but now....I just don't know. The drugs alone are in the thousands. And what if I am not a candidate for IVF, are we looking at egg donor, embryo adoption or, what I fear the most, adoption? There are so many questions and fears going through my head that sometimes I feel like I am going to explode. And none of these questions, like what kind of treatment are we looking at now, can even be answered until after the Clomid Challenge Test and the RE followup visit.
So, as of right now, all we can do is wait. Wait for my period to start so we can move on with the test. And of course, it isn't cooperating so that is something else for me to worry and agonize over. Sometimes I wonder if all this is even worth it. I already have a daughter. A lot of couples in our position don't even have one child. Maybe I should count my blessings and accept what I have been given. But then I see a baby or a pregnant friend or play with/hold a baby and wonder, why has this happened to ME and, damn it, I want more kids!!!
Now, my husband (T) has also been tested. We figured there really was no need because he already had a child from a previous marriage and then there was our daughter. But the RE wanted it so we did it. Another shock, T also has some fertility issues now - sperm morphology issues. His little guys are not formed correctly so they can't break through the egg to fertilize it. The fun never stops around here. His issue is caused by LOW testosterone. If only I had his blood and he had mine. The treatment, he also gets to take Clomid. The urologist is pretty confident that this can be corrected so we aren't too worried right now.
As to my PCOS, the treatment is an antidiabetic drug called Metformin. I am beginning to hate Metformin. Some of its side effects include upset stomach and nausea. Boy, does it ever cause those. I start out one 1 pill and work my way up to 3 a day. I am on 1 pill right now and it is making me so sick that I am dreading what it is going to be like as I up the levels. I am really hoping my body becomes accustomed to it because this sucks so much right now.
T and I knew from the get go that the probable treatment for our infertility was going to be fertility drugs and insemination ( IUI - intrauterine insemination). But now, after researching what my test results are showing, I am really afraid that it is going to be invitro ( IVF - invitro fertilization). IVF scares the hell out of me. The cost is prohibitive to begin with and I don't know if we can afford it. Our insurance only covers diagnostic care, not the infertility treatments. We had put money away for the IUI treatments ( there would be 3 of them as long as they weren't successful) but now....I just don't know. The drugs alone are in the thousands. And what if I am not a candidate for IVF, are we looking at egg donor, embryo adoption or, what I fear the most, adoption? There are so many questions and fears going through my head that sometimes I feel like I am going to explode. And none of these questions, like what kind of treatment are we looking at now, can even be answered until after the Clomid Challenge Test and the RE followup visit.
So, as of right now, all we can do is wait. Wait for my period to start so we can move on with the test. And of course, it isn't cooperating so that is something else for me to worry and agonize over. Sometimes I wonder if all this is even worth it. I already have a daughter. A lot of couples in our position don't even have one child. Maybe I should count my blessings and accept what I have been given. But then I see a baby or a pregnant friend or play with/hold a baby and wonder, why has this happened to ME and, damn it, I want more kids!!!
How did this happen to us??
I have never blogged before so bear with me as I try to organize everything that is going through my thoughts. To begin with, I am 34 years old and have already had one child. My husband and I had planned on having at least one more child, maybe more after our daughter. I conceived with our first soooo easy, in fact, we weren't even trying -- surprise!! But it was a wonderful surprise. So, 2.5 years later, we decided to try for Baby #2. Imagine my surprise when month after month we weren't pregnant. A year after trying, we were referred onto a reproductive specialist. Here we are, 3 months after that and I am scared, stressed, and completely incredulous that this could happen to ME. I thought this only happened to people who never had a live birth, who were OLD, who had some sort of surgery/illness/trauma that didn't enable them to have children. Not to 34 year old women who already have a child, a husband who has another child from a previous marriage and the intense desire and ability to provide a good, loving home to many children.
I feel very alone and isolated right now. It seems everywhere I look, people I know are pregnant or have babies. No one I know personally has ever had to deal with this themselves, at least to my knowledge. Who can I talk to? Well meaning friends and family ( those that know our problems with this) tell me that it will happen, just keep trying, and, the one I personally despise the most, there is always adoption. Who do I talk to about our test results, our treatment options, my burgeoning depression, the stress level, how sex is now a mission not a pleasure, and my absolute fear that I will never be able to provide my daughter with a younger brother or sister. I feel like I have failed as a woman. Hence, I have decided to start this blog. If no one but me ever reads it, I don't care. It is a place for me to write down all my thoughts, feelings and secret fears that I can't really voice otherwise. Maybe it will help save my sanity.
I feel very alone and isolated right now. It seems everywhere I look, people I know are pregnant or have babies. No one I know personally has ever had to deal with this themselves, at least to my knowledge. Who can I talk to? Well meaning friends and family ( those that know our problems with this) tell me that it will happen, just keep trying, and, the one I personally despise the most, there is always adoption. Who do I talk to about our test results, our treatment options, my burgeoning depression, the stress level, how sex is now a mission not a pleasure, and my absolute fear that I will never be able to provide my daughter with a younger brother or sister. I feel like I have failed as a woman. Hence, I have decided to start this blog. If no one but me ever reads it, I don't care. It is a place for me to write down all my thoughts, feelings and secret fears that I can't really voice otherwise. Maybe it will help save my sanity.
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