Saturday, March 13, 2010

And the results are in

I haven't posted in awhile and I am sad that this post is going to be so negative. T and I had our consult with the doctor to go over our test results and go over our options. Based upon what I was hearing from the nurse when she would give me the results of each test as we took them, I knew it wasn't going to be fantastic news. I didn't expect it to be as bad as it was, though.

The doctor's recommendation at this point is that we try egg donor or embryo adoption. I have such poor eggs that if we tried IVF with my eggs, we only would have about a 5-10% chance of success. If we try egg donor or embryo adoption, it would be about 60-70%. He said that there is always a chance that we could get pregnant on our own, I am not sterile, but the odds are not good at all. Apparently, the endometriosis that I have battled all my reproductive life has destroyed my chances for another genetic child by damaging my ovaries and/or eggs. After my surgery when I was 17 or 18, I thought I was fine. That the endo was in remission and we had caught it in time. Apparently not. That or there was more damage than originally thought and we were very lucky to have gotten pregnant with B.

I am so unbelievably devastated by this news. I haven't been able to stop crying since we found out. One minute I have it under control and the next I am crying all over the place. I can't even talk about it (or write about it for that matter) without crying. I haven't really talked to anyone about it since we found out. T and I haven't even really discussed it, yet. But my dear, wonderful husband understands this, thankfully. I had to go to work after our appointment and receiving this news. T left roses and a lovely, handwritten card for me to find when I went out to my car after work. He, too, is understandably upset but is giving me space and time to come to grips. I am lucky that he is so understanding and willing to let me get myself together before we discuss anything. He did state today that he would like to get a second opinion before we make any decisions. I am unable and unwilling to make any decisions right now so that sounds like a good idea to me.

I guess I am going to let myself process this and grieve for a little while, and then we will try to figure this out. Get a second opinion is the first step, I guess. I am not too optimistic on that front. We don't have much extra money so I am worried about that. How do we best use the resources we have? Right now that is too much for me to even think about - I am so not ready to explore alternative options. Maybe in a few days or weeks. I do know that every time I look at my daughter right now, I start crying and thank GOD that I have her. I think this would be even harder for me if I didn't have her.

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