It's been a rough week. I finally took the misoprostol on Sunday night and the miscarriage process started around 4 am Monday morning. That wasn't as bad as I feared. I had heard some horror stories of massive blood loss and extreme pain. I had Vicodin and the blood loss wasn't horrible. I passed the twins around 1:30 pm on Monday. The pain has been on again, off again and I have been dealing with it. The bleeding is still ongoing. We go in on Monday for an ultrasound and blood work to make sure everything has passed. We will find out if I need a D & C then. We are keeping our fingers crossed. I DO NOT want surgery.
T and I discussed it and have decided we want to try again. I am absolutely terrified but... If we don't try again, we will always wonder "what if." Of course, I already have so many "what ifs" running through my brain. What if we can't get pregnant again? What if this was our only chance? What if my eggs are so damaged that all future pregnancies will end the way this one did? T says I will drive myself crazy with all those "what ifs" and only time will tell. We decided we will come up with a list of questions ( "what ifs" ) and ask the doctor when we see him Monday.
I have been overwhelmed by the support from friends and family. I found a couple support boards and have been going there on a daily basis to talk with other women who have been through this. I find it easier to write about my feelings than to actually talk to anyone other than my husband. I haven't even talked to my mom other than through emails, yet. I guess it's still too fresh for me. Maybe I never will be able to just talk about it with people. Maybe writing will be the best and only way for me to deal with this. Time will tell. I am a private person and it is hard for me to open up. Writing gives me a level of anonymity and allows me to be a step away. If I don't like what someone is saying or it is too soon for me to deal with something, I can delete it or pass over it. Unfortunately, you can't do that with personal interactions. I have been saddened to find that some people aren't as sensitive or compassionate as I had expected. Right now, those people and their attitudes are beyond my ability to handle so I am just going to have to step away from them. It hurts but I guess I will do what I have to do. T says, "F&^* them." People like that aren't worth our time or energy. Easier said then done.
I worry about T, though. He is focusing so much on helping me that I worry he hasn't grieved or allowed himself to do so. We talk about the loss, though. And we talked about where we want to go from here. I take that as a good and healthy sign that we are dealing. He bought me flowers the other day to bring a little color and beauty to my day. They are beautiful and simple, just the way I like them.
We also decided that we wanted to get a plant as a kind of memorial to the twins. A lady on one of the support boards had recommended taking the twins remains and placing them in a plant so that we would always have them with us. It had been very upsetting to me to think about just "disposing" of them. Unfortunately, we weren't able to retrieve their remains so T suggested we still get a plant and make it a memorial. I really like that idea. I love plants and gardening. Unfortunately, I don't always do well with house plants so I really need to research to find the right plant so I don't kill it off like I sometimes do. We don't get a lot of sunlight into our house so a shade tolerant plant will be best. I have several right now that aren't doing too bad so maybe with the extra love and care I will give this one, we will have a beautiful plant to remember our little beans.
I feel a little stronger today. I am only crying once or twice a day inside of every 5 minutes. I am having some issues with triggers that set me off -- the shoes I bought because T was so worried that I didn't have any appropriate shoes for being pregnant in winter weather, the cranberry juice I was using to help with the pregnancy constipation, seeing ads for and going down the feminine hygiene aisle, etc. I can't look at the shoes let alone wear them so they will be going into the closet -- out of sight out of mind. T is going to dispose of the juice for me so I don't see it every time I open the fridge. The other stuff, well, hopefully time will help me deal better with those. I have given a few clerks some bad moments when I broke down crying while choosing pads at the drug store. But, I have my husband and I know I have people out there that will listen to me, help me when the time is right for me. Some days are good, some are bad. So far, today has been a decent morning.