Monday, January 11, 2010

How did this happen to us??

I have never blogged before so bear with me as I try to organize everything that is going through my thoughts. To begin with, I am 34 years old and have already had one child. My husband and I had planned on having at least one more child, maybe more after our daughter. I conceived with our first soooo easy, in fact, we weren't even trying -- surprise!! But it was a wonderful surprise. So, 2.5 years later, we decided to try for Baby #2. Imagine my surprise when month after month we weren't pregnant. A year after trying, we were referred onto a reproductive specialist. Here we are, 3 months after that and I am scared, stressed, and completely incredulous that this could happen to ME. I thought this only happened to people who never had a live birth, who were OLD, who had some sort of surgery/illness/trauma that didn't enable them to have children. Not to 34 year old women who already have a child, a husband who has another child from a previous marriage and the intense desire and ability to provide a good, loving home to many children.
I feel very alone and isolated right now. It seems everywhere I look, people I know are pregnant or have babies. No one I know personally has ever had to deal with this themselves, at least to my knowledge. Who can I talk to? Well meaning friends and family ( those that know our problems with this) tell me that it will happen, just keep trying, and, the one I personally despise the most, there is always adoption. Who do I talk to about our test results, our treatment options, my burgeoning depression, the stress level, how sex is now a mission not a pleasure, and my absolute fear that I will never be able to provide my daughter with a younger brother or sister. I feel like I have failed as a woman. Hence, I have decided to start this blog. If no one but me ever reads it, I don't care. It is a place for me to write down all my thoughts, feelings and secret fears that I can't really voice otherwise. Maybe it will help save my sanity.

No comments:

Post a Comment