A Emotional Roller Coaster

I haven't posted in awhile and there is a reason for that - mainly superstition.  Back in August, T and I had our 2nd round of fertility treatments.  We had 3 follicles this time.  About 11 days after my Ovidrel shot (it makes me ovulate), I was feeling very crampy.  We thought, what the hell, lets test just for the fun of it.  Imagine our surprise when it came back positive.  We were over the moon.  I called the doc and they set me up for my 1st blood test  (its called a beta test).  That night I got on the Internet and was researching pregnancy, due dates, etc.  I came across an article talking about how testing too early if you are on fertility drugs (especially Ovidrel) can give you a false positive pregnancy result.  It said you shouldn't test until 14 days after the shot, at minimum.  I immediately became upset.  So, when I went in for the beta, I mention when I tested to the nurse.  She says, "OH, you shouldn't have tested that early.  Your positive is probably just the Ovidrel still in your system."  Well, thanks a freaking lot for passing that tidbit of information on to me and getting my hopes up only to knock my feet out from under me.  I believe me breaking down into tears and saying almost exactly that got my point across and the office was extremely apologetic for not telling me.  The long and short of it is that the 1st Beta showed enough pregnancy hormone in my system to indicate a pregnancy, but I had to have a 2nd Beta to show if my numbers were going up which would indicate a real pregnancy.  Two days later I had that, my numbers were up but they weren't as high as the doctor would like.  So, I had to go in for a 3rd Beta.  Three was the magic number -- we were pregnant.  Talk about being all over the place emotionally for that long, long week.

T and I decided to tell just our parents.  I was extremely worried about miscarriage and was superstitious.  Both our parents were very happy.  They have been on this journey right by our sides the whole time.  At seven weeks, I went in for our 1st ultrasound.  I had been worried about ectopic pregnancy, blighted ovum, chemical pregnancy, how many embryos we had (remember, three follicles so a potential for 3 babies), you name it, I was worried and anxious about it.  The ultrasound was going to resolve my anxieties one way or another.  T and I were shocked to find out that there were 2 embryos -- that's right, twins.  We got to see the heart beating on twin A and were ecstatic.  However, twin B wasn't as far developmentally and we couldn't see that heart beat.  The doctor said there was a strong possibility that twin B wouldn't continue to develop -- its called Vanishing Twin Syndrome and is fairly common now that technology can show earlier ultrasounds.  The doc said it wasn't a forgone conclusion and twin B just might have implanted later.  We had to go back in two weeks for a 2nd ultrasound to see if we were going to lose twin B.  But, twin A looked very good and the doc said twin A shouldn't be effected if we lost twin B.

So, I was very conflicted.  I had one healthy baby but the other might not make it.  I wasn't even sure if I wanted twins -- health risks for them, health risks for me, financial reasons.  But I still was upset that I might lose twin B.  I was very conflicted.  The ultrasound that was to reassure me now brought up a whole new slew of worries and anxieties.  It was another two weeks of emotional upheaval, stress and anxiety.

On 9/16, T and I went in for our 9 week ultrasound.  We both had the feeling that twin B wouldn't have survived and were dealing with that.  We were excited to see the heart beat again and, maybe, get to hear it.  The doc did the ultrasound and I almost immediately knew something was wrong.  He was looking at both babies way longer than he had the first time.  I also noticed that I wasn't seeing the little flicker from twin A's heart beat.  The doctor then told us we had lost both babies -- neither had a heart beat now.  I completely lost it.  We had brought B in with us so she could see the baby.  She wanted to get a copy of the ultrasound pictures (we had gotten two at the 1st ultrasound) just for her to carry around so she could show off her baby.  The doctor and nurse were quick enough to get her out of the room, she was upset at our level of upset and didn't understand. 

I cannot describe how awful and devastating it was.  I keep playing the whole thing out in my mind and I am at a loss for words to describe it.  All our joy, all the emotions, all the anxieties, ups and downs just wiped out by a few words.  The doctor told us our options -- wait for a natural miscarriage, have a D & C done, or take a vaginal suppository that would induce the miscarriage.  Our two precious, wonderful little miracles reduced to three choices for getting rid of them.  Don't get me wrong, the doctor was truly caring and concerned.  He was giving us the facts but not pressuring us in any way.  He told us to comfort each other, go home and think about it.  I realized suddenly that I couldn't wait.  I couldn't wait days or weeks to have a miscarriage.  I didn't want surgery so I told the doctor I wanted the medicine.  He gave me the prescription and a prescription for pain.   Then, I had to explain to my 3, soon to be 4, year old daughter why Mommy and Daddy were so upset.

Now I have to wait and decide when I want to take the medicine.  I am still having all the pregnancy symptoms - morning sickness, sore breasts, fatigue -- but there aren't any live babies.  My body just hasn't accepted that yet.  It feels like a farce to still be feeling pregnant but not be.  It is emotionally trying for me.  I want to take the medicine so that I can start to accept what has happened and move on, but, to take the medicine means I am getting rid of my little beans.  And I know that it is going to be very painful, both emotionally and physically.  I would like to do it while T is able to be home with me but that means I will probably have to take time off from work.  I am finding this to be a hard choice to make.

I feel guilty and so very, very devastated.  Two years of trying to conceive.  Finally getting that positive pregnancy after being told we would probably only achieve it through egg donor.  The absolute joy, the prayers and thanks to God.  The fear and hope.  All of that wiped out inside of five minutes.  Now what??  It has been such a emotional roller coaster.  I just don't know if we want to get back on that ride.  I do know that these little miracles were my babies, and I don't want to hide them and what happened to them from the world like they were some kind of dirty, shameful secret.  They were my little beans, I loved them and I grieve for them.