I can't believe its only a month until Christmas!!

We are gearing up for the holidays here.  Thanksgiving is Thursday and, shockingly, I have bought everything I need already.  I have to work so it will be a small Thanksgiving lunch that I will be putting together.  Working on the Holidays give me mixed feelings - I hate how often I miss out on all the family gatherings but that Holiday pay is FANTASTIC.  At least by me making a Thanksgiving lunch for myself, my mom and the 2 kids, I get to have some holiday. 

We went down to one of the area malls last night for their Holiday Parade and Christmas tree lighting.  It was nice.  Not frigid, not crazy crowded and B was soooo excited.  She was sure she was going to miss Santa.  It put me in the spirit for the season.

I have a big weekend planned for Thanksgiving weekend.  I don't have to work so Mom and I are doing Black Friday.  You either love or hate Black Friday.  I love the challenge of finding a fabulous deal.  I absolutely hate the crowds so I have to make a game plan before we go out or else I will freak out.  Literally, freak out and end up on the news as that crazy woman who went all Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 on the poor unsuspecting shopping crowds.  It's fun.

Then, T, my mom, the 2 kids, and I are going downtown for the annual Christmas Tree lighting and Holiday Parade.  I have never been, I have always had to work so I am looking forward to it.  But it looks like it is going to be cold, cold, cold.

On Saturday, Mom and I are going to see the Cirque Holidaze show.  I cannot wait.  I have always wanted to see a Cirque show and am thrilled that I can take Mom with me.  I think she will enjoy it much more than T would.  Besides, T is excited to put up all the lights and decorations.  Better him than me.

And, of course, in between all of this we will be trying to make a baby.  My ultra sound is Saturday morning to see if I have any viable follicles.  I am a little skeeved that we will be "baby dancing" with my mom in the next room over, but....she had 2 kids so I think she has a decent idea on what has to happen in order for her to get another grand kid.  I am really hoping this time will be it.  I really hope we get a Christmas miracle this year.

Failed Round

Well, no luck this month.  There were some issues this month with our timing so I can't say I was surprised.  It is very upsetting to me, though.  I hadn't realized how much I had riding on this round until it was for sure that it had failed.  Probably because it was the first round after our miscarriage. 

Some days I am absolutely convinced that we will never have another child.  Yesterday was one of those.  But today, I feel a little better and will call the doctor this morning to get my meds and u/s set up for next month.  On the up side, at least the agony of waiting for those 2 weeks is over right now and I can get a bit of a reprieve.  Plus, I have been analyzing every little thing to try to figure out if it was a pregnancy symptom or just my period.  I think if I would have squeezed my boobs one more time to see if they were sore, I would have officially felt myself up more than my husband. 

I guess I will keep my fingers crossed for next month.  It would be the best Christmas gift ever if our next round works.  I think we will do 1-2 more rounds of timed intercourse and if it doesn't work, I guess its on to insemination.  More expensive and not what I want to do but....  Hopefully, we can do this again the old fashion way with just some help from the meds.

Third Time's the Charm

I went in this morning for my ultrasound to see if there were any viable follicles.  T was going to come with me since this ultrasound was being done by the other doctor in the practice whom we have never seen before, and because he was off work for once when I have had to go in for my follicle check.  Of course, the best laid plans....Poor B had a low grade fever yesterday, was feeling poorly and then spiked a 102 fever.  Turns out she has Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease.....FABULOUS.  So, I went to the appointment by myself. 

Dr. A turned out to be just as wonderful as Dr. S.  Both doctors are extremely personable with fantastic bed side manners.  I was very at ease with him which is good when he sees and feels more of my body than my own husband !!  The Clomid worked again this round, our third.  I have 2 follicles, one in each ovary.  Dr. A was very pleased with how they look.  I triggered this evening with the Ovidrel and T and I have been given our "schedule" to follow.  A schedule Dr. A decorated with hearts and Cupid's arrows to indicate what we should be doing. 

Now it will just be the waiting game, again.  Two weeks of waiting to see if it worked this time.  I am keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to get my hopes up too high.  I am hoping and praying that third time is the charm for us.  Now if I can just keep myself from peeing on a stick before the full 14 days is up.....

Surprises

Well, T turned 40 last week.  Poor guy, I was teasing him relentlessly :).  I did plan a surprise party for him over the weekend and it went fabulously except for one hitch -- his b*tch ex-wife.  She decided that she needed to tell T that there was a party for him because she is just a b*tch.  Of course, I find out because my dear, dear husband just cannot let it go and keeps pestering me with thinly veiled questions.  Then, one hour before the party, as I am getting in the shower, he straight up asks me if there is a party and lets me know the B*tch had told him.  The only reason she knew was because my in laws were trying to surprise T by getting my stepson, M, for the weekend for the party.  Of course, the B*tch waited to the last minute to tell my in laws she wasn't going to drive to meet them, nor would anyone else, so they would have to buy a plane ticket.  By the time she told this to them, it was too late.  Only 9 years and 9 months until she is out of our lives FOREVER!!  But I am not counting down or anything.

Surprisingly enough, my period started on its own.  So, I am back on the Clomid train.  We go in on Nov. 2 to see if/how many follicles we have.  I am nervous..whooo buddy am I nervous.  Even if we get pregnant this round, I am now terrified of losing the pregnancy.  Before, it was all worry for whether I COULD get pregnant.  Now it's can I do it again and can I carry the baby to term with a healthy delivery.  I HATE HATE HATE having to just wait and see what happens.  Just one little peak into the future to see if we have another child or two besides B isn't too much to ask, is it??

October 15 -- National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

On September 28, 2006 the House of Representatives passed a resolution naming October 15 as the official day to observe National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Across the nation, multiple events and activities are planned to observe this day.  One event is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Wave of Light candle lighting campaign.  On October 15 at 7pm in ALL time zones worldwide, people are encouraged to light a candle to honor their lost babies or their friend/family member's lost baby for at least an hour.  In this way, a continuous wave of light will shine throughout the world in honor of all the lost babies who never had a chance to live.  T and I plan to participate and honor our two lost little beans.  We encourage our friends and family members to also participate in honor of their own lost ones and all the lost ones throughout the world.  Please go to http://www.october15th.com/ for more information.  I found this lovely video on that site.

Being Together

T and I got a precious and rare day off together yesterday.  We had to go see the doctor for my follow up appointment.  Everything looks good there, no D & C.  We have been given the go ahead to start trying again when my period starts.  I am very scared and very nervous but we want to try.  We have lost our innocence and illusions of safety but we still have hope.

We decided to take a family day after the appointment.  I haven't been out of the house except to go to work in over a week.  We decided that since we were going to be down in Cincinnati, we would go to Hueston Woods State Park.  It's actually north of Cincy in my old stomping grounds,  Oxford OH - home to Miami University.  I am lucky enough to be a Miami alum -- Class of 1997.  We stopped in Oxford to pick up some lunch and took it with us to the park.  It was a fantastically typical Fall day to be in the woods.  Chilly and overcast with a little bit of dampness.  It was just what we needed.  We got to walk in the woods and along the beach area, laugh at B's antics and discoveries, and hold hands.  It was very healing for the soul.  I felt closer to T than I have since this whole tragedy started.  It was nice to feel "normal" again.

                                             My precious B, beach side

                                                     In the woods


When we got home, B and I made cookies together.  That's something we haven't done since Christmas.  Of course, with a almost 4 year old little girl helping, the kitchen was a disaster.  But it was fun and filled in some of the empty places I have been feeling in my heart.  We enjoyed a very Fall supper, in my humble opinion, of chili and corn muffins.  Very warm and filling after a day of tromping through the woods.  All and all, it was a great day of being together and reconnecting as a family.  I felt happy for the first time in awhile.

One week later

It's been a rough week.  I finally took the misoprostol on Sunday night and the miscarriage process started around 4 am Monday morning.  That wasn't as bad as I feared.  I had heard some horror stories of massive blood loss and extreme pain.  I had Vicodin and the blood loss wasn't horrible.  I passed the twins around 1:30 pm on Monday.  The pain has been on again, off again and I have been dealing with it.  The bleeding is still ongoing.  We go in on Monday for an ultrasound and blood work to make sure everything has passed.  We will find out if I need a D & C then.  We are keeping our fingers crossed.  I DO NOT want surgery.

T and I discussed it and have decided we want to try again.  I am absolutely terrified but... If we don't try again, we will always wonder "what if."  Of course, I already have so many "what ifs" running through my brain.  What if we can't get pregnant again?  What if this was our only chance?  What if my eggs are so damaged that all future pregnancies will end the way this one did?  T says I will drive myself crazy with all those "what ifs" and only time will tell.  We decided we will come up with a list of questions ( "what ifs" ) and ask the doctor when we see him Monday.

I have been overwhelmed by the support from friends and family.  I found a couple support boards and have been going there on a daily basis to talk with other women who have been through this.  I find it easier to write about my feelings than to actually talk to anyone other than my husband.  I haven't even talked to my mom other than through emails, yet.  I guess it's still too fresh for me.  Maybe I never will be able to just talk about it with people.  Maybe writing will be the best and only way for me to deal with this.  Time will tell.  I am a private person and it is hard for me to open up.  Writing gives me a level of anonymity and allows me to be a step away.  If I don't like what someone is saying or it is too soon for me to deal with something, I can delete it or pass over it.  Unfortunately, you can't do that with personal interactions.  I have been saddened to find that some people aren't as sensitive or compassionate as I had expected.  Right now, those people and their attitudes are beyond my ability to handle so I am just going to have to step away from them.  It hurts but I guess I will do what I have to do.  T says, "F&^* them."  People like that aren't worth our time or energy.  Easier said then done.

I worry about T, though.  He is focusing so much on helping me that I worry he hasn't grieved or allowed himself to do so.  We talk about the loss, though.  And we talked about where we want to go from here.  I take that as a good and healthy sign that we are dealing.  He bought me flowers the other day to bring a little color and beauty to my day.  They are beautiful and simple, just the way I like them.

We also decided that we wanted to get a plant as a kind of memorial to the twins.  A lady on one of the support boards had recommended taking the twins remains and placing them in a plant so that we would always have them with us.  It had been very upsetting to me to think about just "disposing" of them.  Unfortunately, we weren't able to retrieve their remains so T suggested we still get a plant and make it a memorial.  I really like that idea.  I love plants and gardening.  Unfortunately, I don't always do well with house plants so I really need to research to find the right plant so I don't kill it off like I sometimes do.  We don't get a lot of sunlight into our house so a shade tolerant plant will be best.  I have several right now that aren't doing too bad so maybe with the extra love and care I will give this one, we will have a beautiful plant to remember our little beans.

I feel a little stronger today.  I am only crying once or twice a day inside of every 5 minutes.  I am having some issues with triggers that set me off -- the shoes I bought because T was so worried that I didn't have any appropriate shoes for being pregnant in winter weather,  the cranberry juice I was using to help with the pregnancy constipation,  seeing ads for and going down the feminine hygiene aisle,  etc.  I can't look at the shoes let alone wear them so they will be going into the closet -- out of sight out of mind.  T is going to dispose of the juice for me so I don't see it every time I open the fridge.  The other stuff, well, hopefully time will help me deal better with those.  I have given a few clerks some bad moments when I broke down crying while choosing pads at the drug store.  But, I have my husband and I know I have people out there that will listen to me, help me when the time is right for me.  Some days are good, some are bad.  So far, today has been a decent morning.

A Emotional Roller Coaster

I haven't posted in awhile and there is a reason for that - mainly superstition.  Back in August, T and I had our 2nd round of fertility treatments.  We had 3 follicles this time.  About 11 days after my Ovidrel shot (it makes me ovulate), I was feeling very crampy.  We thought, what the hell, lets test just for the fun of it.  Imagine our surprise when it came back positive.  We were over the moon.  I called the doc and they set me up for my 1st blood test  (its called a beta test).  That night I got on the Internet and was researching pregnancy, due dates, etc.  I came across an article talking about how testing too early if you are on fertility drugs (especially Ovidrel) can give you a false positive pregnancy result.  It said you shouldn't test until 14 days after the shot, at minimum.  I immediately became upset.  So, when I went in for the beta, I mention when I tested to the nurse.  She says, "OH, you shouldn't have tested that early.  Your positive is probably just the Ovidrel still in your system."  Well, thanks a freaking lot for passing that tidbit of information on to me and getting my hopes up only to knock my feet out from under me.  I believe me breaking down into tears and saying almost exactly that got my point across and the office was extremely apologetic for not telling me.  The long and short of it is that the 1st Beta showed enough pregnancy hormone in my system to indicate a pregnancy, but I had to have a 2nd Beta to show if my numbers were going up which would indicate a real pregnancy.  Two days later I had that, my numbers were up but they weren't as high as the doctor would like.  So, I had to go in for a 3rd Beta.  Three was the magic number -- we were pregnant.  Talk about being all over the place emotionally for that long, long week.

T and I decided to tell just our parents.  I was extremely worried about miscarriage and was superstitious.  Both our parents were very happy.  They have been on this journey right by our sides the whole time.  At seven weeks, I went in for our 1st ultrasound.  I had been worried about ectopic pregnancy, blighted ovum, chemical pregnancy, how many embryos we had (remember, three follicles so a potential for 3 babies), you name it, I was worried and anxious about it.  The ultrasound was going to resolve my anxieties one way or another.  T and I were shocked to find out that there were 2 embryos -- that's right, twins.  We got to see the heart beating on twin A and were ecstatic.  However, twin B wasn't as far developmentally and we couldn't see that heart beat.  The doctor said there was a strong possibility that twin B wouldn't continue to develop -- its called Vanishing Twin Syndrome and is fairly common now that technology can show earlier ultrasounds.  The doc said it wasn't a forgone conclusion and twin B just might have implanted later.  We had to go back in two weeks for a 2nd ultrasound to see if we were going to lose twin B.  But, twin A looked very good and the doc said twin A shouldn't be effected if we lost twin B.

So, I was very conflicted.  I had one healthy baby but the other might not make it.  I wasn't even sure if I wanted twins -- health risks for them, health risks for me, financial reasons.  But I still was upset that I might lose twin B.  I was very conflicted.  The ultrasound that was to reassure me now brought up a whole new slew of worries and anxieties.  It was another two weeks of emotional upheaval, stress and anxiety.

On 9/16, T and I went in for our 9 week ultrasound.  We both had the feeling that twin B wouldn't have survived and were dealing with that.  We were excited to see the heart beat again and, maybe, get to hear it.  The doc did the ultrasound and I almost immediately knew something was wrong.  He was looking at both babies way longer than he had the first time.  I also noticed that I wasn't seeing the little flicker from twin A's heart beat.  The doctor then told us we had lost both babies -- neither had a heart beat now.  I completely lost it.  We had brought B in with us so she could see the baby.  She wanted to get a copy of the ultrasound pictures (we had gotten two at the 1st ultrasound) just for her to carry around so she could show off her baby.  The doctor and nurse were quick enough to get her out of the room, she was upset at our level of upset and didn't understand. 

I cannot describe how awful and devastating it was.  I keep playing the whole thing out in my mind and I am at a loss for words to describe it.  All our joy, all the emotions, all the anxieties, ups and downs just wiped out by a few words.  The doctor told us our options -- wait for a natural miscarriage, have a D & C done, or take a vaginal suppository that would induce the miscarriage.  Our two precious, wonderful little miracles reduced to three choices for getting rid of them.  Don't get me wrong, the doctor was truly caring and concerned.  He was giving us the facts but not pressuring us in any way.  He told us to comfort each other, go home and think about it.  I realized suddenly that I couldn't wait.  I couldn't wait days or weeks to have a miscarriage.  I didn't want surgery so I told the doctor I wanted the medicine.  He gave me the prescription and a prescription for pain.   Then, I had to explain to my 3, soon to be 4, year old daughter why Mommy and Daddy were so upset.

Now I have to wait and decide when I want to take the medicine.  I am still having all the pregnancy symptoms - morning sickness, sore breasts, fatigue -- but there aren't any live babies.  My body just hasn't accepted that yet.  It feels like a farce to still be feeling pregnant but not be.  It is emotionally trying for me.  I want to take the medicine so that I can start to accept what has happened and move on, but, to take the medicine means I am getting rid of my little beans.  And I know that it is going to be very painful, both emotionally and physically.  I would like to do it while T is able to be home with me but that means I will probably have to take time off from work.  I am finding this to be a hard choice to make.

I feel guilty and so very, very devastated.  Two years of trying to conceive.  Finally getting that positive pregnancy after being told we would probably only achieve it through egg donor.  The absolute joy, the prayers and thanks to God.  The fear and hope.  All of that wiped out inside of five minutes.  Now what??  It has been such a emotional roller coaster.  I just don't know if we want to get back on that ride.  I do know that these little miracles were my babies, and I don't want to hide them and what happened to them from the world like they were some kind of dirty, shameful secret.  They were my little beans, I loved them and I grieve for them.

Disappointed but Not Surprised

I have been going nuts the last 2 weeks waiting to find out if our first treatment was successful.  Unfortunately, it wasn't and Aunt Flo made her monthly visit yesterday.  I was soooo disappointed.  But, since it was our first attempt, I really am not too surprised.  I mean, with the crappy luck T and I have had over the last 2 years, I was surprised we even were able to get 2 follicles let alone a baby the first time out.  The one positive aspect was that I had my own period without medication for the first time in 6-8 months so I hope that means my hormones are stabilizing.

I called the doc and we start round 2 on Wednesday.  I am trying to be upbeat and positive....really.  I did learn some valuable lessons, though.  The 2 week waiting period (2WW) SUCKS !!!  Talk about worrying and stressing..good Lord.  I kept telling myself not to dwell on it.  Don't Google every little twinge and ache or pain.  Don't analyze every stomach ache or seemingly high number of bathroom trips.  Try not to visualize what it would be like to actually BE pregnant and imagine having a baby in the house.  I kept telling myself not to do this because it would get my hopes up and then the disappointment would be that much higher.  **SIGH**  Obviously, I failed.  Two nights before Aunt Flo's visit, I actually told T that I really thought I might be pregnant this time and got his hopes up. 

This time, I will work harder not to over analyze and think about it so much.  I vow that I will not Google or Bing anything, and that I will stay off the baby boards and trying to conceive boards.  Those boards are really nice but, jeez, they can have a really negative impact.  You can find the answers you seek on there in order to fulfill what you WANT to hear as opposed to reality.  I WANT to be pregnant so I read the posts and talk to the ladies who will tell me what I want to hear so I can convince myself that I have beaten the odds and achieved conception.  Not necessarily a good thing for me.  It makes the let down that much worse. 

Soooo, I will avoid the boards during my next 2WW and try not to over analyze everything by body does.  I vow I will just try to ride it out and not get my expectations up.  I am not pregnant until Aunt Flo doesn't rear her ugly head (and the blood test confirms it).  It sounds nice, like what I should do.  Let's hope I can follow through this time.

WORRYING SHOULD BE MY MIDDLENAME

I went in on Saturday to have my ultrasound done.  As I was going to sleep the night before, I was strangely nonchalant about the whole thing.  I figured I would be so anxious that I wouldn't sleep for worrying.  Have I mentioned that I am a WORLD CLASS worrier?  Money, repairs, amount of sleep I get, the kids, you name it.  If it can be worried about I do it.  Drives T insane sometimes because we are COMPLETELY different in that department.  I am high strung and he is laid back.  As he always says, "I am like a willow...I bend with the wind."  UH HUH.  He also says that men are like fine wine, they get better with age so I take all of this with a grain of salt.

Anyway, I didn't really agonize over it the night before like I thought I would.  I was more worried if I would get enough sleep since I had to get up early to drive down to Cincinnati to get to the doctor's office.  See, worrier.  Maybe I was more laid back about this because I had had a complete meltdown when I missed the FedEx delivery by just a few minutes that morning.  The delivery was for my Ovidrel which I was suppose to have BEFORE I went for my ultrasound.  Being Friday, there would be no Saturday delivery attempts.  I freaked, I mean FREAKED, out.  Poor T, he sure got an earful.  But then, bless the FedEx delivery lady, she had seen a note I had placed on the door for our friend Todd who was going to be doing some work in our bathroom that day. It said I would be home at 9 am ( I had to drop my stepson M off at day camp) and to sign for me if the delivery came.  Sadly, Todd's truck broke down on him and he didn't make it to the house that morning.  This wonderful woman decided to swing by after she made some other deliveries in the area after her lunch to see if I might be home.  So, I got my meds and practically fawned all over the poor woman in my gratitude.

Fast forward to Saturday morning and me rushing around the house to get ready to go to the appointment.  Now, I don't know about other ladies but...when I have a doctor's appointment where I have to bare it all down there, I like to be groomed.  I do not want to subject the poor doctor, tech or nurse to hairy ape legs, odors or force them to "part the curtain" to do what they need to do.  Forgetting to do it the night before meant I had to get up earlier than expected.  So, now I am worried about whether I will be late for the appointment.  I have only once been to the doctor's office and that was with T driving and me navigating.  Fortunately, I was only running about 10 minutes behind schedule, but, if you know me at all, you would know that this is upsetting to me.  I am one of those obnoxious people that is ALWAYS early.  If I am not at least 10-15 minutes early to whatever I have to be at, it makes me anxious.  Probably some form of OCD.

So...at this point I have worried about just about everything from sleep deprivation to my hygiene EXCEPT the actual ultrasound and whether the Clomid has worked and I have any follicles.  As I am pulling off the highway onto the exit ramp and congratulating myself on being so sanguine about this, I start crying.  The flood gates open and I am absolutely, positively 100 % sure that there are going to be no follicles and everything is going to have been for nothing.  I will find out, without my husband by my side (he had to work), that my ovaries will not produce follicles and egg donor will be our only option.  Goodbye nonchalance, hello frantic crazy woman.  At least I am by myself in the car and no one else witnesses this.  I manage to get myself under control and only beg God a couple of times to let this have worked.  By now, I am in the parking garage.  My first stop before the doctor's office is the bathroom so I can try to repair the damage my crazy crying jag caused.  Wouldn't do to have the staff and doctor see how irrational I really am.

Luckily, at least for my state of mind, I am actually 10 minutes early and composed when I walk in.  I sit for just a few moments and have calmed down when the nurse calls me back.  That's when the shakes hit.  She leaves me in the room to undress and I am shaking so hard I can't get my pants unbuttoned.  This, irrationally, causes me to start crying again.  But, this time, I am able to get myself under control before it turns into another meltdown.  By the time the doctor walks in, I am calm but secretly sure that he is going to be giving me bad news so I have to prepare myself.  If just thinking about getting bad news sends me into hysterics, actually hearing it is going to be outrageous.  At this point, I am really wishing T is here because he is a champ at calming me and soothing my frazzledness.  Plus, the doctor wouldn't have to endure the torture of dealing with me when I have another meltdown.

He checks my right ovary and tells me that while it looks like I have a few follicles starting to develop, they are all too small and immature.  UH OH...here we go..sniff sniff.  He moves the wand over to check the left ovary.  Bracing myself, he tells me right away that I have a follicle.  In fact, I have two follicles.  One is 18mm and the other is 13mm.  Ridiculously, I find myself now starting to tear up over good news.  I just can't win.  He tells me that I need to trigger Sunday night with the Ovidrel, have intercourse that night and again on Tuesday.  I am in shock.  This was not the way I had been envisioning the visit and am drawing a blank slate.  All I can do is nod and agree with him.  The nurse tells me at checkout to trigger between 6 pm and 10 pm.  I am in a daze as I walk out. 

Of course, I call T as soon as I get in the car.  As we bask in our delight that it actually worked to get me to ovulate for the first time in 6 months, it dawns on us that when I have to take my injection is right in the middle of my work day.  UH OH.  Now, if you have never heard of Ovidrel - the trigger shot - it is an injection that causes you to ovulate.  By taking the injection, the medical people can pretty much say that within 24-48 hours, you will ovulate so make sure you have lots of sex at these preordained times we give you.  Unfortunately, it is a shot that has to be given in your stomach.   FRICK !!!  Originally, I had planned to have my mother-in-law, a nurse, give me the shot.  But now, that is not going to be possible because I will be at work.  Yay, something new to worry about.  There is no way in HELL I am going to be able to stick a needle in my stomach on my own so what are we going to do?  T is morbidly afraid of needles so he is going to be of no help.  He tells me he could do it but...I mean really, the guy hates needles.  After multiple phone calls and pleas to friends, my partner at work agrees to give me the shot because he has experience.  But, of course, now I am very anxious.  Go figure.

The next day my worry and anxiety over this stupid shot continues to grow.  After spending the previous evening obsessing over when exactly T and I should engage in our baby making activities, I narrow it down to *gasp* following the doctor's orders.  Crazy, huh?  I do decide, after frantically Googling it and asking advise on various fertility boards, that we need to try and procreate at the 36hr mark.  If that's when they do insemination and IVF, that's when we will do the deed.  Now, we have a 3 year old and my 8 year old stepson is with us for the summer.  Doing "IT" isn't that easy.  It's not like we can say, "Daddy and Mommy are going in the other room and locking the door.  Don't come in no matter what you hear."   Depending on when I take the shot, we would need to have sex between 6 am and 10 am.  Since the kids get up between 7 and 8 am every day, anything after 7 is pretty much a crap shoot.  I decided that 6:30 is the magic time.  T is thrilled with this.  How romantic...the alarm going off at 6:30 am on both of our day off so that we can wake up and frantically have sex to make a baby without waking up the other kids.  Because, hey, if we can pull this off, we just might get to go back to sleep for another hour and 20 minutes...er..or so.  Nothing like having fertility issues to really spice up the sex life, huh?

The time for the shot comes and I am very nervous.  My partner tells me that he really thinks I can do this on my own and gives me a great pep talk.  Perversely enough, I buy into his schtick and decide I CAN jab a needle into my stomach all by myself because I really am a strong woman.  I really am an idiot.  But, apparently he was right because, hey, I did it.  Yay for me.  I think I worried myself (surprising, huh?) into believing it was going to be worse than it turned out to be.  It was surprisingly simple and fairly pain free.

Now, we just have to wake up with the alarm tomorrow at 6:30 am, frantically do our impression of bunnies without waking up the kids, and wait for two weeks to see if it worked.  I see no anxiety or stress in this scenario.  I doubt I will worry.  OK, well, maybe just a little.

HERE WE GO!!

We are finally starting treatment -- YAY!!!  T's numbers are all great and I started Clomid yesterday.  On June 26, I go in for my ultrasound to see if there are any "good" eggs.  I am nervous, hopeful and full of dread at the same time.  I think I am creating an ulcer LOL.

The other nifty thing I learned here recently is that hormones out of whack can give you heart palpitations.  I started having heart palpitations the other week and had to go in to see the doc.  She referred me to the cardiologist who advised me that fluctuating hormones can cause PVCs - premature ventricular contractions...i.e palpitations.  FANTASTIC.  As if my hormones weren't causing enough problems as it is, now this.  Poor me LOL.  It's not that big a deal.  I even found out that this is fairly common in pregnant and menopausal women.  Who would have thought that hormones could cause so many issues within a body.

On the humorous side, I was explaining to my mom a while ago about how things work if the doc finds a good egg or two.  So, I tell her,

"If we have any viable eggs, the doctor will tell me when to take my Ovidrel injection."
"What's that?"
"A drug to release my eggs.  Using that, we would know exactly when I ovulate and then T and I can, you know, at the right time."
"What?"
"Moommmm!!! You knooowww..."
"No, I don't.  What would you and T....OH!!  OH THAT!"
"Has it really been that long, Mom, that you've forgotten what THAT is?  How else would T and I make a baby?"
>Insert very nasty look from my mother<

Now, hopefully, all it's gonna take to get us pregnant is some fertility drugs and a lot of...well...you know :)

Second Opinions

It's been about a month now since we received the news about my poor ovarian reserve. T wanted to get a second opinion before we made any decisions. I really did not because I figured we were just going to get the same news because my numbers were so bad. But, I love my husband and he wanted a second opinion, so I agreed. Yesterday we went in to the new doctor for a consultation and I realized how much I had resigned myself to never having kids again. This doctor has a COMPLETELY different philosophy than our previous doctor. I am so glad I decided to get a second opinion.

Just the look of Dr. S's office inspires confidence. A beautifully decorated office that doesn't even look like a doctor's office until you get into the back where the equipment and rooms are located. His office was covered with awards, achievements and pictures. Pictures of all the babies they had helped bring into this world. It was a warm, inviting place. And Dr. S was a very personable, likeable person. He sat us down and had us talk first - talk about what we wanted, what had brought us there, etc. I felt so comfortable talking to him, not nervous or scared. And he wanted to start treatment right away. This surprised me so I reiterated that I had been told I had poor ovarian reserve and we had previously been told our only real option was egg donor. He reviewed my numbers again and stated that the numbers weren't great but numbers didn't mean we had no real treatment options. Then, he went on to outline what he thought we should do.

Dr. S said that one of the big things for us right now is that I haven't been ovulating. He asked, if I haven't been ovulating, how can we know for sure that my eggs aren't any good? That simple question really stopped me. I mean, yeah, my numbers indicate there is a problem as compared to the "average" 35 year old woman, but does it really mean that my eggs aren't viable? If I haven't been ovulating, how do we know that my eggs can't be fertilized AND implant. We know now that T has some morphology issues but his blood work has shown that the medication is helping to correct that problem. Could it be that when I was ovulating, before we went to see a specialist, that my eggs weren't being fertilized because T's sperm couldn't break through and get in to fertilize the egg? But since I am not ovulating now, we can't know if my eggs can be fertilized and implant. Dr. S said to go to the worst case scenerio - egg donor- as a treatment when we hadn't even tried any other less invasive treatments was jumping the gun. First, we need to see if we can get me ovulating again. Then, if I do get an egg or two developing, we can use medication and doctor monitoring to say when the prime time is to try to fertilize the egg(s). He recommends I go on the oral fertility drug Clomid at the start of my next cycle and then be monitored to see if eggs develop.

What a completely different outlook this doctor has as opposed to the last doctor. Start out small and work our way up. Dr. S didn't rule out egg donor. He said that might still be in our future but that we should try other, less invasive and less expensive treatments first. I think of it as you wouldn't use a sledge hammer to hammer in a nail. You would start out with a small hammer first to see if that works. So, oral Clomid to start and then bring in the heavy hitters like injectable drugs if that doesn't work. After that, maybe IVF or egg donor. Start out small.

I started crying in Dr. S's office after he started telling us this. I realized I really had pretty much given up on having any more children, and hearing him say something so different from what we had previously been told, I broke down. I started having hope again. We still have a long road to haul, but.... Going from egg donor to an oral fertility drug is like night and day.

It makes me regret having gone to the other doctor and wish we had started out with Dr. S. We wasted so many months just on testing and never even TRIED any treatments. I know a lot of my testing was already complete before we even saw Dr. S, but, Dr. S was telling us how he wanted to start without mentioning the various tests that might be needed. Before I brought up what the previous doctor had stated and we reviewed my numbers. The other doctor was so focused on testing and getting that high success rate. Dr. S seems focused on getting us pregnant and not on his success ratio. I feel like the other doctor only wanted to do what had the highest potential for success quickest based on my numbers. I can't help but wonder if that office is more focused on their statistics than on the patient. I have a friend who also went to my first doctor's office and received the same treatment option - egg donor. She, too, is now going to Dr. S's office. Egg donor has the highest rate of success so is that the main reason they push it instead of trying other options first? I don't know but I do know that I am done with that office whatever the outcome with this new doctor. Numbers don't make a person and all I need is ONE egg and ONE sperm to get pregnant. Maybe this time we will get them.

And the results are in

I haven't posted in awhile and I am sad that this post is going to be so negative. T and I had our consult with the doctor to go over our test results and go over our options. Based upon what I was hearing from the nurse when she would give me the results of each test as we took them, I knew it wasn't going to be fantastic news. I didn't expect it to be as bad as it was, though.

The doctor's recommendation at this point is that we try egg donor or embryo adoption. I have such poor eggs that if we tried IVF with my eggs, we only would have about a 5-10% chance of success. If we try egg donor or embryo adoption, it would be about 60-70%. He said that there is always a chance that we could get pregnant on our own, I am not sterile, but the odds are not good at all. Apparently, the endometriosis that I have battled all my reproductive life has destroyed my chances for another genetic child by damaging my ovaries and/or eggs. After my surgery when I was 17 or 18, I thought I was fine. That the endo was in remission and we had caught it in time. Apparently not. That or there was more damage than originally thought and we were very lucky to have gotten pregnant with B.

I am so unbelievably devastated by this news. I haven't been able to stop crying since we found out. One minute I have it under control and the next I am crying all over the place. I can't even talk about it (or write about it for that matter) without crying. I haven't really talked to anyone about it since we found out. T and I haven't even really discussed it, yet. But my dear, wonderful husband understands this, thankfully. I had to go to work after our appointment and receiving this news. T left roses and a lovely, handwritten card for me to find when I went out to my car after work. He, too, is understandably upset but is giving me space and time to come to grips. I am lucky that he is so understanding and willing to let me get myself together before we discuss anything. He did state today that he would like to get a second opinion before we make any decisions. I am unable and unwilling to make any decisions right now so that sounds like a good idea to me.

I guess I am going to let myself process this and grieve for a little while, and then we will try to figure this out. Get a second opinion is the first step, I guess. I am not too optimistic on that front. We don't have much extra money so I am worried about that. How do we best use the resources we have? Right now that is too much for me to even think about - I am so not ready to explore alternative options. Maybe in a few days or weeks. I do know that every time I look at my daughter right now, I start crying and thank GOD that I have her. I think this would be even harder for me if I didn't have her.

THE GOOD AND THE BAD

My period finally came, yay. I called the RE office and had my initial blood work done yesterday. I start the clomid on Thursday and go in for my second set of blood work on Tuesday. Keep your fingers crossed for me, we are hoping for a low number. The nurse also suggested we take advantage of the fertility drug and get some ovulation predictor kits so we can see if/when I ovulate. Then its...well, I think you know :). She said they have had people get pregnant because of taking clomid during the test. I am not getting my hopes up, but, wouldn't that be fantastic.

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I have lost 7 lbs as of last week. I am hoping that I am approaching, if not already reaching, the magic mark where my periods will start naturally occurring on their own. That's the goal for right now. Eventually, I hope to lose enough so that my hormones regulate on their own and I can get off the Metformin.

Now, the bad news. If T and I haven't had bad luck, we would have no luck what so ever. Our luck just can't seem to turn the corner in a good way. After months of harassing my dear husband, he agreed to go in and have a full physical. T had been having issues with reflux and that was my biggest concern. I also wanted him to get his cholesterol checked because he has been medicated for it being high and heart disease runs in his family. T comes home today from the physical and tells me he has to go see a cardiologist, the EKG shows he may have had a small heart attack. Talk about being floored. Then, I was soooo mad. Very unreasonable, I know. T does not talk about his health with me. If I look at him and think he doesn't look like he is feeling well, and I ask him, all I ever get is.."I'm fine" or "It's OK." I have been on him for months about taking his meds (which he wasn't) and getting a check up. All I could think was, that SOB, if he has a heart attack and dies on me, I am going to kill him. Very unreasonable.

After this goes through my head, I start crying. Then, I call T's mom who is a nurse. I figure, if T isn't going to listen to me, maybe he will listen if his mother and I both tag team him. It worked. Dirty pool but I will do what ever I need to to make sure he is healthy and with me. T's mom has had bypass surgery because of the family heart disease issues and she insisted that T get a referral to her cardiologist.

T is very aware of the seriousness of the situation. The doc has told him he needs to lose some weight and get some more exercise. Thankfully, T was able to tell her that we had already started the GI diet. He promises me that he is going to stick to it and take it seriously. He also said he is going to get more exercise, even going so far as to promise to do some of my Yoga DVDs with me. Being a man, I am sure the pounds will melt right off him now that he has put his mind to it especially since the guy doesn't have that much to lose to get to a healthy weight. I hugged him and told him I love him and am willing to play dirty pool to keep him around. I also told him if he has a heart attack, I will nurse him back to health and then make his life miserable :).

This past year has been brutal to us. I keep thinking, we have to get a break soon. I hope it comes soon because I am so tired of nothing but bad news. It gets you down and makes for a very negative attitude.

4 lbs

Apparently, changing my diet and exercising in addition to the Metformin has helped because I have already lost 4 lbs. Yay, me!! I haven't been following the low GI diet completely because I have been trying to eat up what food I do have in the house. In this economy and with finances the way they are, I just can't throw away food because I am starting a new diet. So, I have been doing the diet as best I can with the food I have and I still have lost weight. Yippee!!!

Today I went to the grocery store armed with my list of approved food and ingredients for various recipes. Since the diet relies so heavily on fruits, veggies and whole grain foods, it is a big change in how we have been eating. I was very worried about how much my grocery bill was going to be. I figured it was going to be higher than normal. It seems like all the food that is good for you is also more expensive. I was pleasantly surprised to find my bill was actually LOWER than normal. We must have been buying some expensive junk before. Granted, I didn't buy much meat this trip because I have plenty, but, still, it was about $20 lower than normal. Now we will just have to see if I bought enough to get through the week.

Poor T is not as excited as I am about changing the way we eat. The only junk food I bought this week was Oreos mainly because of B (that girl loves her Double Stuffed), but also because I don't want to completely deprive us of snackedly goodness. Total deprivation would probably back fire, quickly. T was a bit less than enthusiastic about what I bought and what will be available for him to eat. I strongly suspect he will be making a side trip to the store before the week is out. That or sneaking at work. That's OK with me. Right now it is more important for me to stick to the diet than him. I can work on him in the ensuing weeks :). B, on the other hand, so far doesn't seem phased by it. She was very happy with her salad today and really enjoyed trying a mango for the first time. I made sure to include some salami, which she really likes, so it wasn't completely different. Being so young, she will probably have less trouble adapting than T and I. I am really hopeful that we can stick with this. B will grow up eating healthy so it will be second nature to her to eat healthy when she is a teen and adult. If we get nothing else out of this than that, I will feel it has been worth it and productive.

The other good thing is that I have gotten 2 co workers looking into starting the low GI diet. One is interested for herself and her husband, and the other interested for her father who has recently been diagnosed with diabetes. Now I have at least one buddy for support as we work towards losing weight and getting healthier. T is doing this for me but I don't know that I would say he is all that interested or someone I will turn to when things get tough for moral support. He will be there in a pinch but day to day complaining, I think I would do better with a fellow woman and dieter.

I have read that losing just 5% of my weight can improve conception by 70% in a woman with PCOS. 70 % - WOW. I am already half way there. I know I have other issues involved with our infertility but at the very least, maybe I will start having regular periods again and possibly even start ovulating on my own again. If I can get my progesterone and estrogen back under control, I might even start sleeping better again because too low progesterone and too high estrogen can both cause insomnia. I have to admit, I have been sleeping better the last few nights since I started taking the Provera. Hormones are really funny things. I never realized what havoc they can cause when they are even just slightly out of whack.

Provera, we meet again

I had blood work done yesterday because my period still hasn't started. Surprise, Surprise - my progesterone levels are low again so I get to start taking Provera again. The upside is that it will start my period and then I can get my Clomid Challenge Test. The downside, it will probably be about another month before that will be done. This waiting is so torturous. I can barely stand it.

I did take the opportunity to ask the nurse a few questions about some of the results from my previous blood work. My biggest concern was my AMH level (Anti-Mullerian Hormone). A very basic explanation is that AMH blood levels indicate the size of the remaining egg supply - the ovarian reserve. Normal AMH levels are over 1.0 ng/ml. My level was 0.2 ng/ml. This is very low, dismally low. It looks like I have an egg quantity issue. The nurse, however, said that they can still help me as long as my FSH levels (Follicle stimulating hormone) are low. FSH is the hormone that helps produce mature eggs by stimulating the ovaries to get follicles to develop. Immature eggs rest inside follicles, stimulate the follicle and you stimulate the immature egg to develop. Higher levels mean the body is having to work harder to get the follicle to develop. High levels are not good. So if I have low AMH and high FSH, it means I would have poor egg quantity and quality - premature ovarian failure. You normally see high FSH levels in menopausal women. The higher the FSH, the likelihood of responding to infertility treatments like IVF is poor. As long as my FSH levels are within an acceptable range, I could still respond to fertility drugs, though I would probably have to take inject able drugs as opposed to the oral kind. The inject able drugs (inject able gonadotropins) are the same hormones as FSH. So very scientific. Basically, I have an egg issue in addition to a hormone issue. How bad the egg issue is will determine if fertility treatments are even an option for me. The Clomid Challenge Test will determine my FSH and where we go from here.

Now, T and I are practicing patience and playing the waiting game. I want to know my levels BUT, I don't want to know. T says hope is still alive right now and we need to hold on to that. Unfortunately, I am having trouble staying optimistic. T is a glass half full kind of guy and I am the glass is half empty fill the damn thing up kind of gal. Optimism has never been my strong point. I have all these scenarios going through my brain, none of them good. I am afraid to hope, I think. Because if I hope and we get bad news, it will crush me. As long as I believe it is going to be bad, if we get good news, I can be surprised and ecstatic. If it is bad, then I have already started preparing myself for it. See - glass half empty but with the expectation that it can be filled up.

I think I need to back off on my research for a bit and take a breather. Reading all this stuff that can happen or what things might mean is just stressing me out. I am filling my handy dandy note book up with so much stuff to ask the RE that he is going to freak when he sees me walk in with all these pages. I remember when I went to one of our early pediatrician appointments with B and I was full of questions I had gleaned from various parenting magazines and books. I was so worried about milestones and her development and kind of freaking out. I remember the doctor sat me down and said the first thing we need to do was throw away all those books. Charts and levels and standards do not make a child and each child is an individual and they don't develop on a time line. I think I need to adopt that philosophy to this situation and step back, take a breather and wait for all our results to come in. Easier said then done. I guess I need to work on my practicing patience.

My wonderful husband

My posts so far have been fairly depressing and negative so I wanted to be a bit more upbeat. I got home from work last night and was surprised at the door by T who bent me back romantic movie style and kissed me the same way. He had a hot bubble bath waiting for me, candles all over the bathroom and bedroom. He fixed me a drink and we shared a wonderful bath together. Then, yes there is more, he gave me a lovely massage after the bath. It was heavenly. We spent the next hour sipping our drinks and talking quietly before we went to bed. I asked him why he was doing all this, I have to admit I was a little bit suspicious :). His answer, just because... What a wonderful, fantastic way to end the day. I have my bad days and then, T does something like this that lifts me up and lets me know how loved I am. I guess I was wrong about Monday blues coloring the rest of the week.

The grass is always greener...

Have you ever watched the show Lost? I recently started watching the first season on DVD and was hooked. Too bad it is ending after this current season, huh? Typical. Anyway, probably the major theme underlying this first season is changing yourself/reinventing yourself, a clean slate. Basically, the old you is gone so its time for a new one who doesn't have to be held to the same constraints and screw ups as the old you. Wouldn't that be absolutely fantastic? To be able to reinvent yourself and start all over?

I started thinking about this and thought, OK, if I could change one thing in my life, what would it be? Definitely my job. I dislike shift work, working so many holidays, the mandatory overtime, the politics, working in the evenings away from my family, and the list goes on and on. I think a large part of my stress and unhappiness in life is a result of my job. Unfortunately, leaving my job is not something that is going to happen anytime soon, if ever. I have been thinking that if I could go back in time, I would not have taken this job and would have continued for my master's degree after I received my bachelors. If I could have gotten my master's back then, I think I would be in a job that I wanted and that would not stress me out so bad and bring me such unhappiness.

I have been daydreaming about never having taken my job, being more educated/better qualified, having a better for me job, for days now. What would it have been like? How much more money could I have made? What other kinds of people I might have met? What would my life be like now?? WHOA WHOA WHOA !!! That last one kind of grabbed my attention and made me realize something -- what would my life be like if I had never ended up where I am now? I would never have met my husband to begin with. If I had never met my husband, I never would have had my precious B. B is the one thing I can look at in my life and can say I helped make this spectacular, wonderful person happen. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and the best thing I have ever done. And if I had never taken my current job, she would not exist.

I realized that by changing one aspect of my life, I would have completely altered the path my life has taken. Would I possibly be happier, wealthier and less stressed? Definitely. But I also wouldn't have the one thing in my life that makes up for all the rest, the one thing in my life that I would walk through fire - my family. I wouldn't have T or B and that is just not acceptable.

So I am in a crappy job, stressed out, financially not where I wanted to be at this point in life, but I have my family. I have my B who gives me the greatest joy in my life everyday by just being my daughter. Maybe reinventing myself, wiping the slate clean isn't as fantastic as I thought it might be.

Blue Monday

I hate Mondays. Today sucked. I was doing OK until I got a call from my mom and it went downhill from there. Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom dearly but sometimes we don't communicate well. She called at a bad time and I went ahead and tried to talk to her even though I knew it was a bad time, but I hadn't talked with her for awhile so...Any way, she was actually trying to tell me that she approved of my blog and all but, following an argument this past weekend with T about our infertility issues, I was very sensitive. I won't got into details, but, sometimes you just need support and not someone to try and "fix" things or give you platitudes. Sometimes I just need someone to vent to, cry on their shoulder, just listen and hear me, not tell me what I need to do or that it will all work out or to stop worrying so much.
T is much more laid back than I am (thank God otherwise our household would be completely manic) and he seems to be taking this in stride. Sometimes he is so easy going that I wonder if he is really affected or all that worried. I take the proactive, what are all the possibilities angle and he takes the wait and see, don't borrow trouble angle. They don't always mesh as we found out this past weekend. And this waiting is KILLING me. I want to get the Challenge test done so we know where we go from here but I still haven't gotten my period. I will have to call the RE tomorrow which probably means more blood work and Provera. That means it won't be until sometime next month before we can schedule the test. UUURRGGG!!
On the good side of things, I have decided to go on the low GI diet (glycemic index). I have heard good things about this diet and am hopeful it will help with the insulin resistance AND weight loss. Poor T is not so excited but he is a trooper. He doesn't really get much of a choice since I do most of the grocery shopping :). I have been keeping up with getting more exercise - I have been doing yoga/pilates, we went to the zoo on Saturday and walked around for hours, and we went bowling yesterday. Not high impact exercise but still exercise and I will build on it.
I am just kind of blue today. Its the waiting and not knowing. Also, sometimes I feel like I am the only one who is taking this situation that seriously. I am trying to be proactive and do things to try and help with the PCOS like the GI diet, exercise, cutting my sugar intake plus researching infertility, IVF, IUI and PCOS. I found a nice board - Soulcysters.com - on PCOS with the help of a friend. It has a lot of good info. I just want a plan of action and hate being in this holding pattern. It is driving me absolutely crazy. I know there is nothing I can do right now but I really dislike being told that and being told to just be patient. So I am having a blue Monday and a crappy outlook right now. It will pass, I hope :). I think T hopes it will pass, too. Hopefully having a crappy start to the week won't color the rest of the week. Mondays suck.

Trying to retake control

I was thinking last night that one of the reasons I feel so lost and stressed out right now is that I feel like I have lost control. I am a bit (OK a whole lot) of a control freak. I had a plan for our future and now that plan is null and void as of right now. So much of me - my thoughts, my energies - revolve around our fertility issues now. It almost consumes me. Very unhealthy. SOOOOOO...I decided this morning to try and get a measure of control back in my life.

How am I going to try to achieve this, you ask? First by trying to tackle the problems that have evolved from PCOS. A friend sent me this link last night and it kind of kick started my decision - http://www.newsweek.com/id/73354. It is about how diet, exercise and weight control affect fertility. I think if I can start to feel better - my overall health, my self esteem - then I won't feel so overwhelmed. This involves a diet change and exercise, what we all know we need to do and have heard so often. The PCOS helped in my weight gain - probably 50 pounds over the last 1.5- 2 years- but I can't blame it solely on that. I know once the Metformin starts working, I may start dropping some of the weight because my body will be metabolizing what I eat better. But I can help that along. This article from Newsweek talks about how "good" carbs are beneficial for not only weight loss but helping out with my insulin resistance which in turn effects fertility. I am now on a mission to educate myself about what "good" carbs are and how to incorporate them into my diet. I also know that smaller portions are integral in weight loss but I also think that smaller portions and more frequent meals may help with my stomach rebellion against the Metformin. Last night I ate a much smaller meal than I normally do and I didn't have nearly the stomach problems I have been having with the Metformin. I don't know if it was related but it was a relief.

This morning I decided it was time to quit making excuses and get on a regular exercise regiment. I pulled out some DVDs I had bought once and never used on Pilates/Yoga and used them. Now I have never done Yoga so I know my form was horrible, but it got me sweating and my heart rate going. And it gave me a good laugh to see my 3 year old daughter, B, also trying to master downward facing dog. And the big plus, it made me feel good about myself..something I haven't felt in awhile. I am also hoping it will help with my insomnia. I am a bit sore right now but it is a good sore.

Overall, I felt pretty productive and like I was moving forward, not stagnant, today. I hope that I can keep it up and even get T in on it with me. If we do this together, we can encourage each other. I feel more empowered today than I have in a long time and I have such powerful motivation this time. Maybe we can find some good in all of this.

Test results so far

I have had so much blood work done I feel like a vampire's victim. For some reason my progesterone levels have dropped since September. They aren't getting high enough to trigger a period let alone ovulation. Last month I took progesterone (Provera)to trigger a period so I could get some blood work tests done. The RE (reproductive endocrinologist - fertility specialist)was checking for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). This is a condition where there is weight gain, acne, coarse/dark hair that develops where previously there wasn't an issue - there are other symptoms but these are the ones that I have. Basically, your hormones are all out of whack. And, surprise surprise, I have it. We found that my testosterone is high and I am insulin resistant. Hence, I have not been ovulating correctly for some time now. The kicker, the one that socked me right in the gut and has led to this blog, my eggs are aging prematurely and there is a question about whether I have any viable eggs left. I don't know the particulars on this because I was so upset when the nurse called that I didn't think to ask any real questions. I do know that I know have to take a Clomid Challenge test. They load me up on clomid (fertility drug to stimulate ovulation) and test my blood and do an ultrasound to see how and if my eggs react. Of course, I have to wait until my period starts before they can start the test but it has yet to make an appearance. I suspect I will be making further acquaintance with the Provera pills. I don't think I have ever wanted my periods to start as badly as I have since we started seeing the RE.

Now, my husband (T) has also been tested. We figured there really was no need because he already had a child from a previous marriage and then there was our daughter. But the RE wanted it so we did it. Another shock, T also has some fertility issues now - sperm morphology issues. His little guys are not formed correctly so they can't break through the egg to fertilize it. The fun never stops around here. His issue is caused by LOW testosterone. If only I had his blood and he had mine. The treatment, he also gets to take Clomid. The urologist is pretty confident that this can be corrected so we aren't too worried right now.

As to my PCOS, the treatment is an antidiabetic drug called Metformin. I am beginning to hate Metformin. Some of its side effects include upset stomach and nausea. Boy, does it ever cause those. I start out one 1 pill and work my way up to 3 a day. I am on 1 pill right now and it is making me so sick that I am dreading what it is going to be like as I up the levels. I am really hoping my body becomes accustomed to it because this sucks so much right now.

T and I knew from the get go that the probable treatment for our infertility was going to be fertility drugs and insemination ( IUI - intrauterine insemination). But now, after researching what my test results are showing, I am really afraid that it is going to be invitro ( IVF - invitro fertilization). IVF scares the hell out of me. The cost is prohibitive to begin with and I don't know if we can afford it. Our insurance only covers diagnostic care, not the infertility treatments. We had put money away for the IUI treatments ( there would be 3 of them as long as they weren't successful) but now....I just don't know. The drugs alone are in the thousands. And what if I am not a candidate for IVF, are we looking at egg donor, embryo adoption or, what I fear the most, adoption? There are so many questions and fears going through my head that sometimes I feel like I am going to explode. And none of these questions, like what kind of treatment are we looking at now, can even be answered until after the Clomid Challenge Test and the RE followup visit.

So, as of right now, all we can do is wait. Wait for my period to start so we can move on with the test. And of course, it isn't cooperating so that is something else for me to worry and agonize over. Sometimes I wonder if all this is even worth it. I already have a daughter. A lot of couples in our position don't even have one child. Maybe I should count my blessings and accept what I have been given. But then I see a baby or a pregnant friend or play with/hold a baby and wonder, why has this happened to ME and, damn it, I want more kids!!!

How did this happen to us??

I have never blogged before so bear with me as I try to organize everything that is going through my thoughts. To begin with, I am 34 years old and have already had one child. My husband and I had planned on having at least one more child, maybe more after our daughter. I conceived with our first soooo easy, in fact, we weren't even trying -- surprise!! But it was a wonderful surprise. So, 2.5 years later, we decided to try for Baby #2. Imagine my surprise when month after month we weren't pregnant. A year after trying, we were referred onto a reproductive specialist. Here we are, 3 months after that and I am scared, stressed, and completely incredulous that this could happen to ME. I thought this only happened to people who never had a live birth, who were OLD, who had some sort of surgery/illness/trauma that didn't enable them to have children. Not to 34 year old women who already have a child, a husband who has another child from a previous marriage and the intense desire and ability to provide a good, loving home to many children.
I feel very alone and isolated right now. It seems everywhere I look, people I know are pregnant or have babies. No one I know personally has ever had to deal with this themselves, at least to my knowledge. Who can I talk to? Well meaning friends and family ( those that know our problems with this) tell me that it will happen, just keep trying, and, the one I personally despise the most, there is always adoption. Who do I talk to about our test results, our treatment options, my burgeoning depression, the stress level, how sex is now a mission not a pleasure, and my absolute fear that I will never be able to provide my daughter with a younger brother or sister. I feel like I have failed as a woman. Hence, I have decided to start this blog. If no one but me ever reads it, I don't care. It is a place for me to write down all my thoughts, feelings and secret fears that I can't really voice otherwise. Maybe it will help save my sanity.